I am a pirate, you are a princess

10Jan07

I need to get out of this rut. I let the stressful times get me down in everything. It didn’t hit me until now. I really am not stressed about sewing, I am just unable to start. I mean, I am sure I could if I tried but that’s the problem: I’m not trying. In anything. Every little siuation and problem I am meeting with mediocrity. With my sewing I am getting mad when it isn’t perfect- but I’m not really trying. Just throwing things together. With my science test, I get frustrated when I can’t answer every problem right, but I haven’t really dedicated my time to it. The same goes for most things right now- my blog, my crafting, my art, even the little things like my makeup. To get so frustrated at failure is unfounded when I didn’t actually try to achieve.
I got into this ‘rut’ about six months ago. I went through a stressful time and it lasted quite a while. Instead of working over it, I let it spill into absolutely everything. At first, it was very small, and didn’t affect me too much. I would be sewing and when the needle broke, I would throw the project in frustration. When I tried to draw or paint, every little smudge would make me cry. Then it got worse. It got to where I could not even continue things. My machine would get stuck, and it was almost as if the world ended. I just could not bring myself to continue. Yes it was a very hard time for me. I was stressed, worried, depressed, but to let it affect my life for so very long is a little silly. Life can’t go back, and I have to realize that. I can’t go back to when things were easy and simple, I have to live what I have right now. Not try to mold it into something else. There are some things that can be changed. Like my attitude. Or my anger. Those are the lessons I have been taught all my life. But we all know that all the talking in the world won’t do anything if I can’t learn it myself. I have always been like this. Someone could tell me that fire hurts, and I would just have to try to touch it myself. Just to find out on my own. Life lessons take longer to learn… and often hurt more. To think of all the time I have wasted being angry at things and people, makes me sad. To think of all the mistakes I never took the time to finish, and now it is too late. I really do learn from my mistakes.
I am hoping that this will be a new start for me. It will take a while to work everything out. All the little fears I have developed are going to be a struggle. All of the blocks I have set up are going to be hard to work through… but I have to do it. I don’t want to waste more floating around being angry with myself. I am not an open person, so pushing the publish button is hard for me. I rarely-if ever- let anyone into my life. So, yes, this is a little hard for me.
I needed to write this down. Now that all of you have seen it, I can’t go back. I can’t take back my words. So… here’s to trying! I have to.

No more text-only posts after this. Well, maybe a few if necessary, but this is ridiculous. This is once more going to be at least a semi-interesting blog.

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2 Responses to “I am a pirate, you are a princess”

  1. Oh hun, I can understand what you’re saying *hug* I’m a bit like that myself, I’m afraid to try new things in case it’s not quite how I wanted it to turn out, or there’s a slight mistake. But if you try with smaller, uncomplicated things, then build up from there. Try not to fret about things that have happened and how you’ve handled it, because you’ll be wasting the present doing that – I guess you just have to learn to let go and -learn from the mistake-. Focus on the things you CAN do – craftwise those cable socks you knitted are BRILLIANT. Seriously, fantastic! Keep those in mind and you can think “Yeah, I made those – go me!”. I hope some of this makes sense and I haven’t rambled too much – I’m thinking of you! x

  2. Congratulations for aiming to work over things. This makes me very happy, that you are trying anew.

    love love and love
    from anushka
    xxxx


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